For those of you that have been following my blog from the beginning, you know that about 5 weeks before my Stage lll Breast Cancer diagnosis last year, that one of my sisters was diagnosed with Stage lV. My sister did not choose to do treatment, for personal reasons that I personally can not comprehend, she chose hospice instead. I have and continue to respect her decision. I would also like to mention that I am talking about my sister with her permission to do so.
The doctors told my sister that without treatment she would not have long and we thought she would only live till October 2015. The holidays came and went, and now one year has passed and my sister is still with us. Most recently her condition has declined. Nurse visits from hospice have increased, her pain meds have also increased.
The past year I have had the fight of my life, I started and finished the 6 sounds of the very aggressive Chemotherapy regiment for Stage lll and lV breast cancer. I had my modified mastectomy (skin sparring for delayed reconstruction), I started and finished 29 sessions of radiation treatment. I have faithfully stayed out of direct sunlight and the ocean (really hard to do on Maui). All the while, working through this with exception for medical leave after my surgery. I have been focused and determined…….then I think of my sister. Yes, sometimes it angers me that she did not choose to fight. I run through my head “is there something I could have done to convince my sister to do treatment”? I know from talking about this at a support group I attend that the answer is no. My sisters decision was made up, nothing we could have done would change her mind.
I flew to California for the 4th of July weekend. My cousins gave one of my aunties a seventies themed birthday party. (can you guess how old she turned) I took the opportunity that I was feeling well enough to travel and surprised the family!
Visiting with my sister Bert, we talked about our mastectomy surgeries, she shared with me about her condition, details that I will keep private. We talked about hospice, my sister is in pain….we talked about the pain meds that she is given and the need for the meds to be increased to keep her comfortable. I asked her if she regretted her decision not to do treatment, she said no.
I feel for my mom, that she will have to endure the passing of one of her children before her. I feel for my niece, that she is having to care for her dying mother, because her mother wants to die. What do you tell someone who wants to die? Bert cried as she told me she just doesn’t want to wake up, and that it is taking so long to happen. She said, she can’t imagine living in this pain much longer!!! So, what do you say? “I will pray that you pass away soon”? ….my sister shouldn’t be in pain….but I think she is afraid of the stronger pain meds that she is in need of now. I told her that the purpose of hospice is to keep you comfortable.
Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday! Happy Birthday BERT!!! I wish you a Happy Happy Birthday free of pain….and though it pains me to say this I pray that you are at peace with your decision and that soon you will be FREE. God Bless……..Love Pina
My Breast Cancer Journey 